Yes I know it has been a very long time since my last blog post... almost a full year!
A lot has happened in the last year, and I will try and take a few posts to hit some of the major events. I will preface the next blog posts by saying first that there will be some dark times, but that there will also be some very joyous occasions. That is how life always seems to go, but it doesn't make the hard times any easier.
We tend to want to shy away from the pain and the hurt, and skip to the happy ending, the sweet dessert at the end of a meal, to conceal the hurt with a smile so no one knows the truth, but you know what?...when pain comes I believe the Lord would have us be real with it. He doesn't want us to hide from Himself, and He wants us to be real with others at the appropriate time so that we can all grow together, and receive the encouragement we need during that hard time. So with all of that being said, please keep these things in mind as I start with the first story on this long journey.
At the end of October, just two days before my birthday we were engaged and planning our wedding. What a birthday gift! We set the date for May 26th. when we would be out of school, and I asked my dad if he would want to do the ceremony for us. Life was just so HAPPY! Well two weeks later my whole world and that of my family came to a crashing halt. My dad was scheduled to have surgery just a few weeks into November, and I remember that When Gerald and I were driving home from ministry on Thursday the 10th. of November, I called my dad before his surgery the next day just to make sure he was feeling comfortable, and just to tell him I loved him. Little did I know that would be the last time I ever spoke to my father.
It was not supposed to be a major surgery, and we thought he would be back home in a day or two. Well after classes on Friday the following day I received a call from my sister saying that he was not doing well, and some things had gone really wrong after the surgery. I didn't realize the gravity of the situation, but I knew my family needed me, so I packed up my bags, was out the door in fifteen minutes, and drove all through the night to get there.
My oldest sister and I stayed with my mum in the hospital from Friday until Monday, running back and forth through the night to the ICU department to check on my mum or my dad. My younger siblings were staying with family and friends during this time. There are too many emotions and mental pictures to explain; frankly to anyone, but I will say they are things that will haunt me and the members of my family for the rest of our lives. Seeing my Father the way He was is something I will never be able to describe to anyone. It was horrendous, heart jerking, and one of the worst things is that the entire time, even under extreme pain at times he was never able to talk to us. He did use paper to write a little, and at the end He even wrote to tell us that the sea of glass was real:) He knew we were there for a while until things got bad, but he couldn't speak to us because of all of the tubes down his throat. It was so hard never getting to say goodbye to my best friend, mentor, hero, and of course my papa. I had the chance to hold his hand once purple and cold though it was, but it will never seem like enough. I will always wish that I had gotten the chance to say goodbye.
The time in the hospital was truly used for God's glory though, my dad witnessed to everyone he could until his dying day, my mum and dad were a huge witness to the doctors and nurses, the support we received from our church, family, and friends was huge, and I even had the opportunity to connect with a family in the room next to my dad's, pray over their loved one, and connect again even later when my dad passed away. God deserves all praise, and even in sorrow and hurt we can choose to magnify His name.
Waiting in a hospital can be hard. You hear one thing, and that thing may contradict something else. You will hear good news and bad news. You will have people trying to comfort, or those who don't know what to say at all. You will hear the voices of staff, you will hear the beeps and sirens from rooms, you will hear the echo of the corridors, or the crying from a door down the hallway. The whole time though, you think that the family member you have that's sick will never be the one to go, and that surely they will be fine given a day or two. The sound you never want to hear however is the sound of a code blue from the room you have been watching, you never want to hear your family member call you and tell you to hurry up and get back down to the room because things have gotten truly scary, and you never want to hear the sound of family members rushing into one tiny room. You never want to see your Father lying there lifeless with all of his color gone, and hold your younger siblings as they wail in your arms. You never want to feel what it feels to be lifeless and dead as if you don't know why your body is still on this planet, yet your heart continues to beat, and you continue to live and go on. Well all of that was felt, and yet so much much more when my father passed on November 13th. 2017.
I know this is dark, and more than any of you probably wanted to read or be exposed to, but that is the reality of death. It was never meant to be a part of God's original design, but through death God can still be glorified, and the name of Christ can still go out to a lost and dying world. We can learn so much through death if we allow the Lord to work through us; even in the mess. There are so many emotions and so much pain and sorrow when a loved one dies, but the Lord can truly carry us through it all. I don't want to spend anymore time on this blog post about the time of my Father's passing, it is all too much for just one blog post, but I will try and take a separate blog just to talk a little about what the grieving process looked like for me in those first few months, and where I am at in the process now.
Grief is a long road, and I know that the pain will never fully go away, but please stick with the blog posts, and more on this past year's journey will come to light. Keep in mind what I said at the beginning of this post. I believe the Lord would desire us to be real, to use our pain for His glory, and to not view what might seem hard as something bad. Sometimes what might seem bad to us in our skewed perspective is actually what the Lord declares to be right and good. So please stick with it...I understand that I did not leave this blog post on a happy note, but we have to wade out the low points in a story as well. Life is not always a happy ending, but it is a tale of our walk with Christ, highs, lows, joy, and sorrow. Why am I explaining all of this to you?...Because I believe in order to know where we are going we must first remember how we were led.
As with every blog post I try and do one of my poems to finish. I have not written a poem, or done a blog post in so long, and while a lot of it has to do with being busy, a lot also has had to do with the fact that I knew it would be painful to write these things, and my heart was too weak to try.
This poem is called the shedding, just about where our trust lies, what is it we hold to, and when the Lord is working in our hearts and pain comes, will we forsake the truth simply because the truth is hard, or will we allow ourselves to be shed? Will we allow our Savior to mold us and shape us, and to Shed our body of flesh and become more like Him?
The Shedding
What is the sound that draws out the silence
And what is it that draws one deeper within?
Is it the sound of nature around you
Or the deep empty echo of the voice inside you?
What is it that makes your mind unravel...
That beat of the drum...?
The tune of your Heart...?
The depth of your soul...?
What is it that it understands?
Are your thoughts of truth
Of those from the Lord;
Will you ignore that which you have known before?
What do you hold to...
Is it truly that built on solid ground?
Don't live in (yourself),
Stuck (inside) that head.
Lean on the Lord,
And let yourself come and be
SHED.
No comments:
Post a Comment