The Expectations of Life

The Expectations of Life

We are finally back home at school! Gerald and I are still studying at the Missionary training Center here in Missouri and have about a year left before we finish. It feels so good to be back in our normal routine and classes that we know are so important in preparing us for the life ahead of us overseas. 

I just wanted to spend a little bit of time updating everyone on our summer, what life has looked like since the last school year, and what the Lord is teaching me right now through life and classes.

First things first...

Earlier this spring Gerald and I found out that we were expecting!!! We also know that it is a little girl! We could not be more excited for this little life to come this Thanksgiving. Now that we are back in our apartment we have been able to set up her nursery, and it has been such a humbling time to think that in a few short months we are going to be parents and responsible for the love and care of this precious gift from the Lord. 

I titled this blog post the expectations of life, because life seems to always hold so many surprises for us. Sometimes they seem big and exciting, but other times life brings along some challenges that we could see as a terrible thing and yet the Lord is so faithful in those times to show us His goodness. For instance, when I first found out I was expecting, I was researching insurance providers that I could switch to here in Missouri, and it turned out none of them would cover me. I am a type 1 diabetic, and with all of my specific medical needs, and because it is a pre-existing condition I was not able to switch to a different plan. This was a big stressor for Gerald and I at first, thinking, "How are we going to be able to have this little one and complete our studies when we have to keep my Ohio insurance?" But the Lord is so faithful!!…He knew exactly where we were at and what we were going to need.

We have not only had an amazing staff at school that has approved us taking classes in Ohio for the two weeks before our baby is born and after for a week or two until we can travel, but it looks like we will also have a place to stay in Ohio for a few weeks while we are there...I mean how faithful is our God to provide just what we need? SO FAIHFUL! 

The other big unexpected life issue that came up this summer was during one of my doctor's appointments. Since I am under Ohio insurance we have been making trips all summer once a month to Ohio for all of my doctor's appointments. I have an endocrinologist that I see every six months for routine check-ups and adjustments as a type one diabetic. We found out at this appointment that she will not take pregnant diabetics and that I will be needing to find another doctor, which is definitely a big project. She was also quite harsh and rude with us because of our decision to use a midwife. Many diabetic doctors tend to panic when they are dealing with type 1 diabetic pregnant mothers. They will typically tell you that you will not only need an endocrinologist that can handle pregnancy, but that you will also need a high risk pregnancy doctor and an OBGYN. At that appointment with my endocrinologist she told us, "I would seriously rethink your life choices about using a midwife" and "You realize that during the second trimester of your pregnancy you as a type one diabetic have a 50% chance of loosing your child." 

Talk about life's expectations not going how I want them to go...but again, God is so, so faithful. My midwife has worked with lots of type 1 diabetics and believes that there is no reason for a diabetic to have to be considered high risk unless they are not handling their numbers and taking care of themselves. I talked to her about what my doctor said to us and she was completely horrified that she would say such things to us, and went back to what a healthy pregnancy looks like and what has been proven to be true again and again. After thinking through our reasons for going with a midwife, Gerald and I decided what we were doing was what we believed to be best for me and our little girl and that we were going to continue on this path and not live in fear over all these things being told us by other people or doctors. Thankfully my pregnancy has gone absolutely amazing so far! I am now at 25 weeks, and my midwife said that if problems would have arisen that they probably would have presented themselves by now. My numbers have been amazing, and other than morning sickness in the beginning, and back pain(which is normal for me anyway ;) ) I could not be more pleased with how things are going. This was just a huge answer to prayer!!

SUMMER:

So over the summer Gerald and I worked in Michigan and lived with his parents. It was really nice to be able to catch up with family and our home church there. Gerald was doing construction and I was working from home on my Etsy Shop (KeepingtheClassicsCo.). We travelled back and forth to Ohio for appointments and then right before we drove down to school, we stopped by my family in Ohio for a few days to visit and catch up with people. We were also able to meet our two new nephews over the summer since Gerald's sister had a little boy (Wyatt) in June, and my sister had a little boy (August or Auggie) in July...what cuties!!

School:

We have just started back in classes last week and it has been such an encouragement to see old friends and new students back on campus. Every time a new class joins, it just makes my heart well up with joy knowing that new young individuals are coming to learn how to be servants in the realm of missions and to know that some of them may be our co-workers on the field one day! It is also such a blessing to be able to have people back in our home and to meet with friends and be able to catch up, talk about the Lord, classes, etc...

Right now we have been taking our phonetics 2 course which is basically teaching us how to hear, write, and produce accurately the different sounds languages can make. Not every language will have all of the sound possibilities that different languages make, but the places we will be going to will have lots of different sounds that we have never even heard before since they are not made in our language, and we need to know how to accurately identify them and produce them so that we are able to sound as native and natural as possible. Phonetics 2 is a class that I really enjoy, but at the same time it is so humbling because I realize the weightiness of trying to learn another language with this much accuracy and just how hard it will be. At the same time however, I also realize that we have these tools so that over time we can get to a place of being really good speakers in a language in order to communicate the things of the Lord, and I feel so blessed that our Father has allowed us to be here to learn these things. 

Our other course that we are in right now is called Practical spirituality. This course has been one that really engages your mind and knowledge of the Scriptures and one that promotes good thoughtful conversation with other students after class. We have talked about the ways that we as believers make decisions, and pondering how many of those decisions are objectively based, and subjectively based, and what the pros and cons of both of those can be. Obviously our decisions need to be based on the truth of God's Word (objective), but there is so much freedom as well that the Lord gives us in making decisions as good stewards of what He has given us, and a lot of this will come down to convictions and what we believe to be wise, and even things such as our likes and dislikes (subjective). It was challenging though to think through how we make decisions now, such as how we decided to go into this specific realm of missions, and what field we decide to move to one day, etc...but also how we will make decisions on the field that will impact our life and ministry, yet may not be laid out definitively from Scripture. 

Another part of this class was on the topic of prayer and how we view it and interact with the Lord, and then we had a few lectures on the aspect of God's character being light, and what that means for us in our daily walk with Him. All in all, it was a very encouraging and challenging class. 

Prayer:
I want to end this post with just a few things that I would love prayer for in the next few weeks and months coming up...

1.)There is a lady named Jenny Davis that all of us here at school have been praying for. She used to be on staff here, and while I don't know exactly what they have been doing since they were on staff, I know that they are here in Missouri currently. She has a husband, and two daughters about 10 and 12yrs. old. Jenny was told that she has a major brain tumor, and only has two months to live unless she has immediate surgery. She goes in at 6am. tomorrow and her husband and two daughters will not be able to see her or really know how things have gone until Friday. They were told that even if she does have this surgery and lives, she may have a lot of seizers afterward, she may not be able to move one of the sides of her body, and she may not even be able to speak....All of our hearts are going out to them as I know she is afraid, and her husband and daughters are broken and afraid thinking their mother and wife may not come back to them. Please pray for rest tonight for them, for good time as a family, and time with the Lord before surgery. Please pray for good doctors tomorrow, and a healthy problem free recovery.

2.) Gerald and I still have a lot to get done before this little one comes, and I would love prayers just for peace, faith, and endurance. I need to find a new endocrinologist, I need to get our baby on our insurance plan, finalize where we will be living in Ohio during the birth as well as research local hospitals covered under our insurance plan in case something were to go wrong during the home birth, and a few other time consuming projects ;) I know it will all get done, but sometimes with a busy schedule I can get a little overwhelmed...

3.) Focus in classes. Always a prayer, because with so many classes that fly by so quickly, it can feel hard to soak all of the material in, but we truly want to be good stewards of the time we have here, so I just pray the Lord will help us to soak in and apply as much as is humanly possible.

Bible Study:

Thank you all for your prayers and support! It really means a lot to know that you all are praying for us, and just to hear from you as well. You are definitely an encouragement to us, and as the Lord brings many of you to mind, I want you to know we are praying for you as well.

Recently I finished the book of James, and have started reading through Hebrews...it had been a while since I have sat down to study this book, and I forgot how much I loved it! There are so many verses that are packed with amazing truth that I forgot even came from this book. Chapter 2 I found especially impactful. It talks about how God has made Christ subject to all things so that nothing is not subject to Him, and we will see this completed in His second coming when everything is clearly laid out at His feet where it should be. It then goes on to ponder why it is that God cares for us; men, human beings, nothing special, and yet God says He cares for us. So much so, He sent His own Son. Verses 9-13 talk about the suffering of Christ and us being called His children as believers. Verse nine tells us that Christ suffered death and was crowned with honor and glory because of it, and then verse ten says that since God saw it fit tp bring many sons to glory through the suffering of Christ, that He has made suffering the source of perfecting our salvation (sanctification). I just thought this thought was amazing and honorable. If God saw it fit for Christ to suffer to bring to perfect that which was broken and imperfect, how much of an honor should it be that we get to suffer in order to become more like our Father in a way that Christ has already exhibited perfectly to us. Verses 11-13 tell us that Christ is now not ashamed to call us brothers and we are now the children of God through Christ's work and salvation through Him! Finally in verses 14-18 we are told to turn to Christ, because He is our High Priest and became man so that that He could become a High Priest that is faithful and merciful and can help us perfectly in our need. 

My Brothers

My brothers come to me for I am here

I know your pains

I know your longings

I know your worries of this world

My brothers come to me, for I am faithful and merciful

I suffered, I died,

but it was all worth it 

because you are now by my side

I know at times you worry what if I don't care

but in suffering we share

You are my special creatures,

the ones I call my beloved,

the ones I call my children,

the ones I call my brothers

Through my suffering and death I perfected the broken

Now you the broken will be perfected to me through suffering

My brothers come to me for I am here

I am The High Priest who knows your every need

and understands your suffering

It is clear I have chosen you

So now please choose me

My children

My brothers

Come to me

A Grief's Reflection

This past year has been such a whirlwind to say the least. There have been times when life has felt unbelievably, painstaking slow, but as a whole this past year from the end of 2017 to the end of 2018 has come faster than I would have thought.

In my last post I had said that I would take some time to explain grief over this past year from my perspective both in the early months of my father's passing, and where I am at now in the process. This blog will come nowhere close to getting into the nitty gritty details of grief and all of its many emotions, nor is this blog meant to capture what grief looks like for every individual or the best way you can reach a grieving friend or loved one. Grief is messy, and it NEVER looks the same for any two individuals (That's just a fact). With all that being said, I hope to give a picture of some of the common things a grieving individual might experience and some good things that might help you if you know anyone that is in this place. 

One last preface before I dive in is this...Please don't shy away from grief. Both if you are experiencing it, and if you know someone who is grieving, it is important and necessary for your healing, and To avoid those individuals in their grief can do real damage to their emotional, spiritual, or even physical well being (if you have any questions about this statement, please feel free to leave comments and I can discuss further why avoiding grief can cause so many issues). I know this blog may not be the most uplifting or encouraging as I work through painful emotions, but hopefully in the following blogs I will paint a clearer picture for you of the faithfulness of our God, for now I just want to be real in the pain, and paint a picture of the pain in human life and how to be there for others experiencing pain around you.

The first few weeks...

To be perfectly honest, the first few weeks after my father's passing were a blur. Most of those who know me know that I am a naturally sleepy person. I have been known for falling asleep in the most random places at the most random times. I have trouble sleeping at night as well, which causes many other issues to say the least. Well when life gets stressful or there is a lot going on, I tend to get way more tired than I already usually am. Those first few weeks I remember sleeping A LOT...or trying too. I remember that whenever I wasn't sleeping I was trying (key word) to be there for my family, and clean enough to keep the house running to some extent (as we all were). No one really felt like doing much to be perfectly honest. The thing is as well, that when you have been through a really traumatic event, you will have PTSD to haunt you especially those following weeks after the event, but a long time down the road those events can still haunt you (and probably will). For me, as a child I used to suffer from night terrors. I grew out of this, but still suffered from lots of nightmares as a child. Since I have been in college, I usually haven't struggled with nightmares anymore, but since my dad's passing I have been having trouble once again. 

Those first few weeks after being in the hospital with alarms going off on all of the machines my daddy was hooked up to, hearing nurses and doctors orders, listening so intently to beeps and alarms, and only half sleeping in the hospital at night waiting for my mum to call and running back down to the ICU up the hallway, etc...all of these noises became a source of terror after my father's passing. My family and I would hear a car beep, or the oven timer go off, or a phone ring, and your heart literally starts to race, your palms become sweaty and cold, and your body and heart physically hurt. It is hard to explain how your body can have such physical and painful responses, but the phrase "Heart Breaking," takes on an entirely new and real meaning. All your senses will meet their max between, hearing alarms, to smelling things that remind you of the hospital, to having pictures remind you of things there, to even having your appetite affected. Let me just say those first few weeks when hardly any of us were eating it was easy to drop a ton of weight.

The First Few Months...

Another big issue in the first few months after my dad passed was having trouble with remembering things. I began to forget everything from little details and common every day things in my routine to the biggest of things...including my driving. Without you having the ability to see how good my memory was before and then after, there is little I can do to explain, but it was actually quite a scary experience. It feels as though you are having early Alzheimer's, and I was barely 20. Obviously, I was not a victim of early Alzheimer's, but grief puts your brain in a totally different place than it used to be.

I don't think in the first few months I had even done much grieving to be honest. I was home with my family, and I wanted to be "Present" and there for them. This was always something that was really important to me; being there for my family, and it made my dad really proud knowing that I would be there for them no matter how small, and no matter what the distance. Once a friend or loved one, you will always be, and I would move my whole world to take care of you and protect you! I also don't show my emotions to most people, things from my past have made it a real challenge, and if I don't feel safe it will be very difficult for me to cry, show anger or pain, etc.. with anyone. Life was a blur of trying to live, help, etc... I had so many emotions in my head and yet wanted to run away from them all because of the fact that my body could not handle them all at once. On top of all that there was the upcoming wedding of my sister and my own that I was trying to prepare for and that combined with getting trapped at work where I really had to "stuff" all emotion in a tight box was hard (although I am unbelievably grateful for the work I had this past year). 

Once I was married...

This part of grief has been the hardest of all. I really began to grieve more once I was married than before. When you have a person that you love and trust to this degree, and whom you feel safe with, it slowly becomes easier and easier to open yourself up. At first, I did not want to share anything with my husband, or not much. I was worried that he wouldn't understand, that my crying would be a sign of girlish weakness since I was not one to cry before, or most importantly that my overwhelming grief and downcastness would hurt him, and I did not every want to give him pain of my own making intentionally. 

Gerald was so good in helping me to feel safe in sharing my heart though, and as I saw he could handle it I would share more. Since I am a very independent and protective sort of individual, he also was good about reminding me of truths from Scripture and telling me it was ok to be weak, even good in fact, because that is exactly where the Lord can use me and mold me. It has been such a blessing to have an amazing husband to walk with me on this journey, but at the same time it has been terribly lonely as even he cannot perfectly understand or relate to me in my pain.

When you lose a loved one that dear to your heart, a most beloved and cherished father, and you see the way it affected your mother, it changes you as a spouse. There are so many ways as a wife that I am so much stronger because of this loss. It makes me cherish every day with my husband, it reminds me how short our time is, it makes me less picky about little things, because even the little imperfections are beautiful now to me, it makes me way more laid back, and even as an individual that was not very argumentative, I am even less so when I look at the grand scheme of life. All of those are good things but being married also brings a lot of fears I would not have had a year ago. 

Being married brings a heartache that every time I look at my husband, I think of the day we will no longer be together, I worry about him dying, or I worry that one day I will leave him without a goodbye like my father, and he will be alone without my love... and hurting. Most married people when they see old couples out in public will say to each other, "Look babe, we are going to be that old couple one day." Not me. When I see old couples, I look over at Gerald and I say, "Love, do you realize how fast we will get there? It is coming so quick, and it makes me want to cry." Some nights I can't bare for him to fall asleep because I worry that he will stop breathing, but when I lay on his chest and hear his heart beating all I can think of is the hospital and its stupid monitors and when my own daddies heart stopped beating and left us. 

As I mentioned earlier in this post, my terrible nightmares have come back to me as well. For the first few months in our marriage there were nights that I could not sleep entirely (which is not totally abnormal), and there were nights I would wake myself up crying from a dream. There were and are still many dreams I have had vividly about my father, and I know it might sound silly, but these dreams will affect me for days and weeks. I have had dreams where I am snuggled up to my dad on the couch just like I was every day when he would come home from work, and one minute we are talking and laughing, and the next minute a family member reminds me that he has died and he turns to ashes in my arms as I try and hold him. Other dreams, he might be checking the car out for me to make sure it is safe (Mr. protector <3) and all of a sudden I am giving him this great big hug like I used to and he begins to cry, and when I ask him why he tells me he has to go, and in the dream I feel like I know but simply don't want him to, and then I wake up and realize he is already gone. These dreams are so wonderful, and yet tormenting. I am so lucky to have a husband though who is willing to let me wake him up and hold me tight when I am so disturbed in the middle of the night from a terrible dream. 

It has been hard with so many life changes (many of which I simply cannot mention), to learn how to grieve; what is wrong, what is right, etc... Most of my thinking, crying, and grieving happens at night when work is finally over and my day is done, but that has been a challenge in itself to have to learn how to stuff things away. Little things will set you off such as a song on the radio, the first time you have done something, even small things, since your loved one passed. It could even be as simple as seeing a picture of an object you would joke about or making a meal you used to cook together. A year into this now, when I thought the crying would subside, only becomes more so when everything can be linked to a memory. Helping my husband to understand what I am thinking and where I am coming from has been hard, but a growing experience for us both. 

Hardness of Now...

Hmmm. 

The many sleepless nights, awake, crying, hurting, and no one can understand, not even my own husband at times can be hard. He can try awful hard, but the truth is you will never understand death until you have to through personal experience. I don't want anyone to have to experience that pain, but it is just a fact of life. Feeling like you will never be normal again. Trying to have fun with your husband, friends, and family, but feeling like you will forever be in a cage of pretending you are alright when your heart is missing one giant, beating chunk. Feeling like everyone has opinions and feeling, but you really don't trust anyone, and truly no one gets it, so why discuss it. Everyone wants to help, and many are helpful (so thank you), but there are those who will still hurt you with their words, and many that will abandon you altogether, leaving you with a more calloused and lonely soul. There will even be times where you forget people can have compassion and a heart at all.

"So downy Debbie here, what do you do with all of this?" One might say. Well...I don't know. What do you do with all of these emotions and pain, the truth is I don't know most of the time, but I do know one thing. You have to give it all to Christ. He is the only one who can truly ever "know" your pain. He can see it all, He can see your heart, and yet in all of the ugliness, He loves you (ALL OF YOU). He must be your source of comfort, and guidance through the storm. Does this mean you will not cry, feel the pain, angry that you wont be able to see your papa again on this earth, or feel the loneliness from sleepless nights of tears and shame, no, but I know that you will never make it out if you don't rely on Christ. Am I glad for this experience, no, but can I be grateful and teachable through it all, yes. Keep walking and trusting, He will get you through.

Advice if you know someone grieving...

1.Everyone is different, before trying to encourage or help, ask how you can (they may not know right away)

2. Christian encouragement is great, but I have found timing and cliché phrases can make me personally bitter and not want to open up...("Well at least he is in Heaven", or things like that give the impression that Christ will help you move on <He will help you keep going, but you will never forget and move on (fact) >) Be sensitive to the fact that truth is good but needs to be timed well. Truth does not change the fact that your loved one is DEAD. So, please be sensitive to emotions.

3. Let your hurting friend or family member be open and help them feel free in expressing emotions. Don't make them feel judged or rushed

4. Yes, keep leading them to Christ for comfort and hope

5. Don't be afraid to go there with them. Don't shy away from grief and all of its parts, it is important, but it is dark and scary and they will need a strong hand to hold 

6. Remember that there is always hope with Christ, so keep looking forward. 

I know this was a more sad post, but I hope it helps you to relate to others who might be struggling. I don't like to always hear myself the struggles, or even to voice them, but it is important to be real, and even my own pain this past year has helped me in relating to others. Life is hard, but our God is bigger and stronger than any pain ad challenge we will ever face, and I hope to speak on this more in my future posts.

I will not list a poem for you all this time, but I will again in the future.

Please feel free to post comments or questions below...I know grief is a big topic that even I cannot cover in a simple blog post. I would be happy to talk with you via email even, if you need advice for a grieving loved one or friend, or if you need encouragement because you are in the middle of grieving yourself.
Thank you