A Grief's Reflection

This past year has been such a whirlwind to say the least. There have been times when life has felt unbelievably, painstaking slow, but as a whole this past year from the end of 2017 to the end of 2018 has come faster than I would have thought.

In my last post I had said that I would take some time to explain grief over this past year from my perspective both in the early months of my father's passing, and where I am at now in the process. This blog will come nowhere close to getting into the nitty gritty details of grief and all of its many emotions, nor is this blog meant to capture what grief looks like for every individual or the best way you can reach a grieving friend or loved one. Grief is messy, and it NEVER looks the same for any two individuals (That's just a fact). With all that being said, I hope to give a picture of some of the common things a grieving individual might experience and some good things that might help you if you know anyone that is in this place. 

One last preface before I dive in is this...Please don't shy away from grief. Both if you are experiencing it, and if you know someone who is grieving, it is important and necessary for your healing, and To avoid those individuals in their grief can do real damage to their emotional, spiritual, or even physical well being (if you have any questions about this statement, please feel free to leave comments and I can discuss further why avoiding grief can cause so many issues). I know this blog may not be the most uplifting or encouraging as I work through painful emotions, but hopefully in the following blogs I will paint a clearer picture for you of the faithfulness of our God, for now I just want to be real in the pain, and paint a picture of the pain in human life and how to be there for others experiencing pain around you.

The first few weeks...

To be perfectly honest, the first few weeks after my father's passing were a blur. Most of those who know me know that I am a naturally sleepy person. I have been known for falling asleep in the most random places at the most random times. I have trouble sleeping at night as well, which causes many other issues to say the least. Well when life gets stressful or there is a lot going on, I tend to get way more tired than I already usually am. Those first few weeks I remember sleeping A LOT...or trying too. I remember that whenever I wasn't sleeping I was trying (key word) to be there for my family, and clean enough to keep the house running to some extent (as we all were). No one really felt like doing much to be perfectly honest. The thing is as well, that when you have been through a really traumatic event, you will have PTSD to haunt you especially those following weeks after the event, but a long time down the road those events can still haunt you (and probably will). For me, as a child I used to suffer from night terrors. I grew out of this, but still suffered from lots of nightmares as a child. Since I have been in college, I usually haven't struggled with nightmares anymore, but since my dad's passing I have been having trouble once again. 

Those first few weeks after being in the hospital with alarms going off on all of the machines my daddy was hooked up to, hearing nurses and doctors orders, listening so intently to beeps and alarms, and only half sleeping in the hospital at night waiting for my mum to call and running back down to the ICU up the hallway, etc...all of these noises became a source of terror after my father's passing. My family and I would hear a car beep, or the oven timer go off, or a phone ring, and your heart literally starts to race, your palms become sweaty and cold, and your body and heart physically hurt. It is hard to explain how your body can have such physical and painful responses, but the phrase "Heart Breaking," takes on an entirely new and real meaning. All your senses will meet their max between, hearing alarms, to smelling things that remind you of the hospital, to having pictures remind you of things there, to even having your appetite affected. Let me just say those first few weeks when hardly any of us were eating it was easy to drop a ton of weight.

The First Few Months...

Another big issue in the first few months after my dad passed was having trouble with remembering things. I began to forget everything from little details and common every day things in my routine to the biggest of things...including my driving. Without you having the ability to see how good my memory was before and then after, there is little I can do to explain, but it was actually quite a scary experience. It feels as though you are having early Alzheimer's, and I was barely 20. Obviously, I was not a victim of early Alzheimer's, but grief puts your brain in a totally different place than it used to be.

I don't think in the first few months I had even done much grieving to be honest. I was home with my family, and I wanted to be "Present" and there for them. This was always something that was really important to me; being there for my family, and it made my dad really proud knowing that I would be there for them no matter how small, and no matter what the distance. Once a friend or loved one, you will always be, and I would move my whole world to take care of you and protect you! I also don't show my emotions to most people, things from my past have made it a real challenge, and if I don't feel safe it will be very difficult for me to cry, show anger or pain, etc.. with anyone. Life was a blur of trying to live, help, etc... I had so many emotions in my head and yet wanted to run away from them all because of the fact that my body could not handle them all at once. On top of all that there was the upcoming wedding of my sister and my own that I was trying to prepare for and that combined with getting trapped at work where I really had to "stuff" all emotion in a tight box was hard (although I am unbelievably grateful for the work I had this past year). 

Once I was married...

This part of grief has been the hardest of all. I really began to grieve more once I was married than before. When you have a person that you love and trust to this degree, and whom you feel safe with, it slowly becomes easier and easier to open yourself up. At first, I did not want to share anything with my husband, or not much. I was worried that he wouldn't understand, that my crying would be a sign of girlish weakness since I was not one to cry before, or most importantly that my overwhelming grief and downcastness would hurt him, and I did not every want to give him pain of my own making intentionally. 

Gerald was so good in helping me to feel safe in sharing my heart though, and as I saw he could handle it I would share more. Since I am a very independent and protective sort of individual, he also was good about reminding me of truths from Scripture and telling me it was ok to be weak, even good in fact, because that is exactly where the Lord can use me and mold me. It has been such a blessing to have an amazing husband to walk with me on this journey, but at the same time it has been terribly lonely as even he cannot perfectly understand or relate to me in my pain.

When you lose a loved one that dear to your heart, a most beloved and cherished father, and you see the way it affected your mother, it changes you as a spouse. There are so many ways as a wife that I am so much stronger because of this loss. It makes me cherish every day with my husband, it reminds me how short our time is, it makes me less picky about little things, because even the little imperfections are beautiful now to me, it makes me way more laid back, and even as an individual that was not very argumentative, I am even less so when I look at the grand scheme of life. All of those are good things but being married also brings a lot of fears I would not have had a year ago. 

Being married brings a heartache that every time I look at my husband, I think of the day we will no longer be together, I worry about him dying, or I worry that one day I will leave him without a goodbye like my father, and he will be alone without my love... and hurting. Most married people when they see old couples out in public will say to each other, "Look babe, we are going to be that old couple one day." Not me. When I see old couples, I look over at Gerald and I say, "Love, do you realize how fast we will get there? It is coming so quick, and it makes me want to cry." Some nights I can't bare for him to fall asleep because I worry that he will stop breathing, but when I lay on his chest and hear his heart beating all I can think of is the hospital and its stupid monitors and when my own daddies heart stopped beating and left us. 

As I mentioned earlier in this post, my terrible nightmares have come back to me as well. For the first few months in our marriage there were nights that I could not sleep entirely (which is not totally abnormal), and there were nights I would wake myself up crying from a dream. There were and are still many dreams I have had vividly about my father, and I know it might sound silly, but these dreams will affect me for days and weeks. I have had dreams where I am snuggled up to my dad on the couch just like I was every day when he would come home from work, and one minute we are talking and laughing, and the next minute a family member reminds me that he has died and he turns to ashes in my arms as I try and hold him. Other dreams, he might be checking the car out for me to make sure it is safe (Mr. protector <3) and all of a sudden I am giving him this great big hug like I used to and he begins to cry, and when I ask him why he tells me he has to go, and in the dream I feel like I know but simply don't want him to, and then I wake up and realize he is already gone. These dreams are so wonderful, and yet tormenting. I am so lucky to have a husband though who is willing to let me wake him up and hold me tight when I am so disturbed in the middle of the night from a terrible dream. 

It has been hard with so many life changes (many of which I simply cannot mention), to learn how to grieve; what is wrong, what is right, etc... Most of my thinking, crying, and grieving happens at night when work is finally over and my day is done, but that has been a challenge in itself to have to learn how to stuff things away. Little things will set you off such as a song on the radio, the first time you have done something, even small things, since your loved one passed. It could even be as simple as seeing a picture of an object you would joke about or making a meal you used to cook together. A year into this now, when I thought the crying would subside, only becomes more so when everything can be linked to a memory. Helping my husband to understand what I am thinking and where I am coming from has been hard, but a growing experience for us both. 

Hardness of Now...

Hmmm. 

The many sleepless nights, awake, crying, hurting, and no one can understand, not even my own husband at times can be hard. He can try awful hard, but the truth is you will never understand death until you have to through personal experience. I don't want anyone to have to experience that pain, but it is just a fact of life. Feeling like you will never be normal again. Trying to have fun with your husband, friends, and family, but feeling like you will forever be in a cage of pretending you are alright when your heart is missing one giant, beating chunk. Feeling like everyone has opinions and feeling, but you really don't trust anyone, and truly no one gets it, so why discuss it. Everyone wants to help, and many are helpful (so thank you), but there are those who will still hurt you with their words, and many that will abandon you altogether, leaving you with a more calloused and lonely soul. There will even be times where you forget people can have compassion and a heart at all.

"So downy Debbie here, what do you do with all of this?" One might say. Well...I don't know. What do you do with all of these emotions and pain, the truth is I don't know most of the time, but I do know one thing. You have to give it all to Christ. He is the only one who can truly ever "know" your pain. He can see it all, He can see your heart, and yet in all of the ugliness, He loves you (ALL OF YOU). He must be your source of comfort, and guidance through the storm. Does this mean you will not cry, feel the pain, angry that you wont be able to see your papa again on this earth, or feel the loneliness from sleepless nights of tears and shame, no, but I know that you will never make it out if you don't rely on Christ. Am I glad for this experience, no, but can I be grateful and teachable through it all, yes. Keep walking and trusting, He will get you through.

Advice if you know someone grieving...

1.Everyone is different, before trying to encourage or help, ask how you can (they may not know right away)

2. Christian encouragement is great, but I have found timing and cliché phrases can make me personally bitter and not want to open up...("Well at least he is in Heaven", or things like that give the impression that Christ will help you move on <He will help you keep going, but you will never forget and move on (fact) >) Be sensitive to the fact that truth is good but needs to be timed well. Truth does not change the fact that your loved one is DEAD. So, please be sensitive to emotions.

3. Let your hurting friend or family member be open and help them feel free in expressing emotions. Don't make them feel judged or rushed

4. Yes, keep leading them to Christ for comfort and hope

5. Don't be afraid to go there with them. Don't shy away from grief and all of its parts, it is important, but it is dark and scary and they will need a strong hand to hold 

6. Remember that there is always hope with Christ, so keep looking forward. 

I know this was a more sad post, but I hope it helps you to relate to others who might be struggling. I don't like to always hear myself the struggles, or even to voice them, but it is important to be real, and even my own pain this past year has helped me in relating to others. Life is hard, but our God is bigger and stronger than any pain ad challenge we will ever face, and I hope to speak on this more in my future posts.

I will not list a poem for you all this time, but I will again in the future.

Please feel free to post comments or questions below...I know grief is a big topic that even I cannot cover in a simple blog post. I would be happy to talk with you via email even, if you need advice for a grieving loved one or friend, or if you need encouragement because you are in the middle of grieving yourself.
Thank you